To Be Sorry
by Chelle-sama
Summary: Fujitaka's thoughts as he comforts Sonomi during episode 10.


Disclaimer: These characters and this situation are the property of CLAMP as distributed by Kodansha Inc., and are used without permission or profit. 

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To Be Sorry

She was even smaller than Nadeshiko, which surprised him greatly. She had always seemed so much bigger, so much stronger, than her cousin. Than anyone else he knew, really. But the woman he was cradling in his arms barely reached his chin, and she was still wearing her shoes. His arm went farther around those quaking shoulders than it would have gone around Nadeshiko. She might have seemed older and braver and wiser, but she was younger, smaller, and so often afraid to let go of herself. He had to bend slightly to rest his cheek on her hair, offering what comfort he could. He'd seen Nadeshiko cry, and those few times had seemed to set the universe on its edge. It turned the world wrong when she was sad because Nadeshiko was meant to smile, always to smile. Sonomi wasn't like that. Sonomi was too bold to let herself be protected that way. She was meant to get angry or excited or serious or even silly. She was meant to feel everything there was. But she wasn't meant to cry. She'd never been meant to cry any more than Nadeshiko had been. She was, he thought, too strong to break this way and he had to do something, even if it felt like nothing. She moved just a little closer and he wanted to sigh, to hold her to his heart and pet her like a kitten. She felt things so very deeply and letting go was not something she was good at. Even letting go of anger must hurt her, he thought sadly, and wished, for only a moment, that he didn't have to break down those walls Sonomi had built to safeguard herself. He wished that she'd just been able to let him in, that they could have been friends all those years ago. 

He'd tried. Nadeshiko had insisted that Sonomi liked him and was only playing when she challenged him in class. She'd come to the wedding, the only one of Nadeshiko's family to do so. He'd been so happy to see her, so happy that she loved Nadeshiko enough to support her on such an important day, even though it hurt her to see them together. She'd come again when Touya was born, looking lost until he'd put the baby in her arms. She'd loved Touya, he knew, the instant she'd touched him. Some days after school he would come home and find her dancing his son around the apartment, singing and laughing, while Nadeshiko was at a photo-shoot, or she was doing her homework on his floor as Touya climbed all over her. He'd once watched her scold Touya for teething on one of her books, and his son had laughed and laughed and laughed as she'd tickled him for what he'd done. She'd hated it when he caught her like that. 

Graduation had ended those times, and Nadeshiko had explained that Sonomi had most likely been telling her parents that she was at a club meeting when she came over to see them. Her father had found out at graduation, when Touya had reached for her in happy recognition, and he'd been livid. There hadn't been a scene because they were in public, but Sonomi's parents had taken her home almost immediately. A friend of hers had told Nadeshiko, during a chance meeting, that Sonomi wasn't even allowed out of the house until she started at college. And they hadn't known where she was going. She'd simply disappeared, and today was the first time he'd seen her since she'd been pulled away to a black car waiting on the street. 

She hadn't come to the funeral, and now Fujitaka knew it was because she simply wouldn't have been able to make it through. But he remembered, now that he thought about it, that a little girl who'd looked a lot like Nadeshiko had as a child had been there. He hadn't had the heart to watch the girl, but she'd been there with a tall man he didn't know at all. They had, for whatever reason, placed two white water lilies on the coffin before they'd left without attempting to approach him. Sonomi's husband, he supposed, had brought their daughter to make the good-bye his wife couldn't yet say. 

And it killed him. All over again, it killed him. This new good-bye that had to be made. To have Nadeshiko gone, to lose her again with Sonomi now, and still he wouldn't cry. He'd promised. He'd had those ten years with her, and those happy memories would be his forever, so he couldn't feel so bad. Not as bad as Sonomi did, who had missed all that time with her. Who'd needed Nadeshiko the way flowers needed the sun, and hadn't had that time to make those memories. He said the only thing he knew to say, holding and comforting her the only way he knew how. 

"I'm sorry."

Author's notes: Based on the scene in the second manga (or episode 10) shortly after the parent's race at the Tomoeda Elementary field day. I have no idea where this came from, otherwise. I was trying to write ExT, I was trying to work on one of the other Sonomi pieces I've got, and Fujitaka said, "Nope. I wanna talk to you about Sonomi-kun." So there it is. 


End file.
